10 Ways to Create Connection During Shelter-in-Place
It can be really challenging on a normal day between work and small children to nurture a romantic relationship. Combine that with shelter-in-place and it’s extraordinarily difficult. For many couples, you are now together nearly 24/7. And unless your relationship is really new, all that togetherness is unlikely to make the heart grow fonder.
I highly recommend a new series by relationship therapist Esther Perel focused on how to adjust to your entire relational world in one place. It’s a four part series and this is the link to episode one, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKtMnVha_PA. she delves into how different people approach stress, grief, how to show gratitude for your partner, and is honest about the realities and challenges of living through this time as humans, and as humans within relationships. She does a much more thorough job exploring the complexities than I could possibly attempt, so just listen. But, one thing she shares in the first episode is how she and her partner celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary amidst shelter-in-place. If you are my client, you know my affinity for re-framing thoughts and feelings. This is a time in your life you are probably needing to do A LOT of re-framing. And that includes in your relationship. So, perhaps you can look at this time with your partner as an opportunity to see them in a different light that might bring you closer. How do they deal with the stress of a pandemic? What do they miss? What do you both miss and mourn? What do you appreciate about them in relation to work? How have you shared the burden during this time? What memories are you making that you will reflect on with pride or humor? How can you connect and grow closer, when you just want to get away from one another for a bit (or more than a bit)?
And that last question prompted me to share with you 10 IDEAS FOR CONNECTION, aside from Netflix and board games (which are admittedly, great date nights at home).
36 Questions by The New York Times. This was a really neat experiment, and it includes 36 questions to build connection and conversation. In my experience (having been with my partner for a l o n g time), some of the questions weren’t relevant. I would actually choose a number, maybe 6, and do that number one night a week or every few days. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/style/36-questions-that-lead-to-love.html
The Gottmann Institute has studied relationships for decades, and has produced so much good research. A lot of good resources have emerged from their research, including a free App called “Gottmann Card Decks” which include questions and activities to enhance your time together and relationship.
Do a Food Kit Together. Lots of places have pizza making kits (Pi, Mellow Mushroom, Pie Guy, Dewey’s), some have other food kits (Pastaria and Bar Louie), Lots of sweet options for doughnut and cookie kits (Vincent Van Doughnut, Harter Bakery, Sweet Inspirations Bakery, SugarBot Sweet Spot), cheesecakes kits from Patty’s Cheesecakes and even a sundae or banana split kit from Serendipity Ice cream.
Order in Dinner for 2. Put the kids to bed, set a nice table, get dressed up (or not), and enjoy dinner for two from one of the following: Stone Soup Cottage https://www.stonesoupcottage.com/cottage-to-carriage, Blood and Sand, Sidney Street Cafe, Carnivore, Elmwood, Robust Wine Bar.
Go on a Scavenger Hunt (can be done as a list or BINGO Board). This can be done on a walk, around the house, or even while watching a show together on TV. They can be simple things like, something purple, a heart or sign of love, the sound of a bird, etc…
Share the Love Notes. Grab some post it notes or pieces of paper or notecards if you’re fancy. Give a set number for each of you (like a half dozen) and each of you write something you love about the other, what you appreciate about the other, what you want to share/do with the other, etc… and the hide them in places the other is likely to find them in the house.
Plan a Dream Vacation. We are all stuck. No one is flying to Europe or taking a cruise. But take some time huddled together around some paper and a laptop to think of an amazing place you would both like to visit, and then plan a pretend visit there together. For me, it would be the Maldives! Where would you stay? Where would you eat? What excursions and activities would you want to do?
Read and/or Listen. We are great about watching television, but reading and listening are excellent ways to connect. If you are literary types, each of you find a poem or short story and then read aloud to one another by candlelight. Or perhaps you find a novel to listen to each night you are able cuddled up together. Or if that’s too big of a commitment, a Podcast.
Themed Meal or “What Can We Make With…” Choose a movie with a theme, like Mystic Pizza, or Breakfast at Tiffany’s or Under the Tuscan Sun and create a meal that goes with the theme. Or, in a true quarantine celebration, play, “what can we make with…” where you hunt through the pantry, fridge and freezer to discover unused, about to expire/go bad, or weird ingredients and either use your creativity or use a site like allrecipes.com who will let you input ingredients and search recipes for inspiration.
Spice It Up! You are likely wearing pajamas (or at least pajama bottoms) for days. This is not going to do a lot for your intimate life. And being “stuck” together at home definitely can create opportunities for intimate connection IF you cultivate it. Text each other sexy thoughts and ideas (yes, event while sitting at the same dining room table), make out in the kitchen, have sex in a different room or while the baby is napping in the middle of the afternoon, put on some lingerie, shower or take a bath together, etc…
We will reflect on this time with an abundance of feelings in years to come. Each day we are being shaped by this time in history, and our relationships are transforming as well. I hope yours can be filled with moments of connection, appreciation, intimacy and love, despite the challenges.
